Life is Fragile - Handle with Care

I attended the funeral last weekend of a 13-year-old classmate of Carson and Walker's--Woody Brinkerhoff. He wasn't actually supposed to have lived past the age of 4 or 5, so each day was a blessing to his family. My every thought this week has been of his mother, father and 8-year-old sister. Do they have any regrets? Will they have to think back and wish they hadn't said this or that to Woody? What would they have done differently? How will they live their lives now to be with him later? How will they go on? It is a long, hard process filled with loving memories, tears, guilt, and prayers.

I was a young mother (24) when my son Justin died. I never thought I would make it through 1 day. But here I am at 53 and it has been 29 years. I still have those thoughts of "I wish I hadn't of spanked him" and "I wish I would have hugged him more." We all need these kind of reminders (a funeral perhaps) to appreciate life with our families and loved ones and renew our desires and commitments to live better lives and to treat each other with more love and kindness. I have looked at my children and my husband differently this week. When they go out the door in the morning, I want them to know they are loved. Life is too precious to waste it. God has given us this life to prepare - so let us love like crazy.

How Did This Happen?

Who would ever think that these two cute little boys would grow up to be teenagers? We had so much fun when they were younger and they loved their parents. They used to say that they were not going to go on a mission unless I could come with them. Now, I have to force them to walk with me down the street. Last night I took them out to dinner at La Villa - a little Mexican Restaurant a block away from our house - because Sam was out of town and I didn't feel like cooking (my excuse was that I was suffering from a bad cold). Walker wanted to hurry on ahead and meet us there. So Carson and I left together, but he was walking so fast. I asked him to walk with me so I didn't feel so alone. He claimed he walked fast and that was just the way it was. I tried to get him to slow down and pretend he was enjoying walking with me. He wouldn't - too embarassing to be seen with his mother. He did, however, wait at the door and hold it open for me when we got there. When did I become so uncool? I know this is just part of the process and isn't this what we raise children to do? Separate from us to make it on their own? But I just don't remember it hurting this much when my other children made the changes. (Bryce actually hasn't made that change yet--but I am confident he will someday.)

Walker still needs me though. Last night he woke me at about 3 am because he had been having a nightmare (this is the 2nd one this month). Since Sam was gone I told him to just lay in bed with me. That was a big mistake. He is not a good bedfellow. I didn't get any sleep because he moves constantly--sideways, up, down, all around. I looked at the clock every time he woke me up: 3:30, 4:10, 4:30, 5:03, 6:01. But at least he was comforted and could sleep again.

2 Cuties

I think Lana posted this photo on her blog, but this is one of my favorite photos of a great time spent with my children (back when I was a single mother). We spent the afternoon with my brother Joe and Maureen in the Bountiful hills gathering wildflowers and hiking. My babies were showing off their treasures. Don't you love the dirty faces?

Children

I've heard it said before that a mother is "defined by her children," "only as happy as her least-happy child," "deserves what she gets," etc. If I am defined by my children, what word would you look up in the dictionary to find me? If I am only as happy as my least happy child, no wonder I'm a wreck half of the time. And if I in fact deserve what I got, I must have been stubborn, knew everything, and challenged my parents on a daily basis. I've often wondered what kind of a person I would be today if I hadn't had the opportunity to be a mother. Would I still be naturally blond, instead of covering-the-gray blond? Would I have no wrinkles on my face because there would have been no stresses in my life? Would I have travelled the world and accomplished great things? I have thought about this a lot lately and have come to the conclusion that I wouldn't trade my experiences of motherhood for anything else in the world. Not anything! Now--unless my children think that life with them has been only stressful and wrinkle-producing times, it hasn't been. I have started writing a "book" for each of you with all my remembrances of your lives: the funny times, the times of growth, the sad times, etc. I'm starting to get feeble of mind, so I better accomplish this task before I forget everything.

We've had our challenges--each one of us. And I think we are better for it and hopefully have learned to grow through what life throws us. I am proud of each of my children for what they accomplish and most importantly for who they are. My life as a mother is the best